The weather is changing
On vulnerable times and the joy of the earth waking up from a deep sleep
There’s this indescribably beautiful sentiment immersing oneself as the seasons shift, particularly when the first rays of warm sunshine and fresh air touch the skin after a long stretch of grey and dark days. I never meant to put a hold on writing bits and bobs on my life and sharing them on this designated platform, but as such things in life occur, it felt both wrong/inappropriate to draw attention to one life’s circus given the global circumstances and also I lacked a sense of inspiration to finish such post. But here I am, back on it!
In February I finished a stretch of exams rounding up the first semester at university. It was a long ride of ups and downs, and I never questioned my path so much as in that time. In times of uncertainty, where I feel as though I’ve chosen a challenge too vast to handle, my brain finds ways to create struggles that aren’t actually there. A persistent sense of anxiety toward my daily life, fearing to step out of my comfort zone driven by the fear of not being able to cope with the situation at hand. Reflectively, I try to find solutions, i.e. spend a great amount of energy finding ways and loops to escape. My instant thought in regard to new, unacquainted things is “I don’t think I can do this, I don’t think I’m capable of this, I’m too stupid to do this”. A very present inner voice revealing lack of self-belief from my perfectionistic self.
Now I remind myself that “If You Think You Can or You Think You Can’t- You’re Right”.
It’s that consistent learning curve of facing that inner fear of the unknown or failure and overcoming it by trusting that in the end, it will work out despite the moments of despair. After all, these experiences are the greatest teachers in life and it doesn’t reflect who you are as a creative person but rather how you pick it up and up again and try to seek energy from it rather than run against it. The steeper the mountain, the higher the outlook and greater the reward. Life always test you whether you want to stay on the path you’re on by confronting you with things beyond your control. Fear can literally be the mind killer- but what is fear?
By the end of February I had a long anticipated knee surgery just after I finished my last exam. Progressing bone degradation as the aftermath of chemotherapy opened a sort of new chapter to my life. Simultaneously, it painted a picture and parallelism to our times. To hold on to and keep believing in the beauty and good of our world, to remain hopeful and internalise a peaceful stance toward the vulnerability that may come, who knows when. I’m very conscious about the reality I may will live in, with greater challenges and physical burdens ahead, yet keep holding on to the now and believe in the power of meaning.
After I recovered from two weeks of post-surgery pain, I moved around more freely on my crutches, still bound to and very dependent on my family to support me with the small essentials in the daily life.
Also, I visited my lovely relative’s place on Rügen, re-immersed in nature where the first little flowers pop from the ground, promising lighter and brighter days ahead. It’s the greatest gift knowing to have a family as a strong backbone where I’m warmly welcomed and grow organically alongside beautiful people that share the same roots and their unique interests.
I enjoy the simple pleasures of a basic life now that I’m recovering from a tumultuous couple of weeks filled with confronting times in my personal life and witnessing the global tragedy. Feelings of nausea and powerlessness. Facingthe burdens of an uncertain, but certainly challenging future ahead, making one feel as though standing on the edge of a cliff. Unpredictability and a fragility to our very physical survival a daily reminder, coined with my own body’s fragile sides. Believing in the good and taking a positive stance on what-comes-may-come is one of the key attitudes I try to hold on to these dark days. But darkness in mind is not inherently the reality we create and thus live in, especially at my age where imagining a vision of clarity and light is the electrifying force of our understanding of self and the life we envision. Turning the vulnerability into a craft and allowing for a fluid relationship with change and daring to live on an unknown path leading to a destination we all share.
Finally, my Mama and I hit the road to go back to Casale di Monticello. The place where I deeply connect with the natural world, slow living, away from the hustles of the hectic city life. Its people allthemore special and growing the bonds that small communities share. It’s the greatest blessing to be able to spend quality time in this unique, ancient farmhouse perched atop the undulatingly beautiful hills to Todi. Below you’ll find a few impressions of the Easter days whilst the Sahara sandstorm “Cirocco” was blocking the radiant sun to come through. On my final night in Monticello we had such good red wine with grapes off the surrounding land to a warming fire.
Upon returning back up North, the sky cleared up, the strong sun shining through, nourishing all the tiny green leaves to light our green environment up again. Spring awakening always brings with a burst of lust for life and joy bubbling up with each day of more sunlight and the abundant produce! I miss Italy already and can’t await to come back in late Spring to witness its magic!
Tomorrow, my second semester studying psychology commences. It sort of feels like my first because I moved into my first flat in the city centre, letting me experience the energy of the town for real now.
Thank you to each and every one of you who keeps reading my newsletter, this time in a slightly different style.
Until next time!
- Fabia
Wonderful ❤️